Well actually, it seems my last post was the 100th post. That's fitting somehow.
It also reminds me that I promised the blog the rest of The Taunting 09, which I will do - I promise - later this week because I need deadlines, no matter what else happens. Deadlines keep me safe.
But the real purpose of the blog was so that when I went to ground, I would still be communicating somehow. And I haven't been, which means it's important to make sure to post.
I've been anticipating these last 12 days for some time. Preparing for them, analyzing my possible responses.
I predicted that I would most likely be kind of shell shocked - not by circumstances, but sheer physicality. You can't keep going like I was without a cost. There was a cost.
I had scheduled it even - I told everyone that I would most likely need a week just to recover from the half decade before. I was sort of immobile last week, and very busy. I knew that I would be. I budgeted a week, but I was still upset with myself for that level of inertia, it feels like a lack of discipline.
I am mad at myself for being right. How annoying is that?
But this is the week that I expected to start the rebuilding - and of course I am now sick - which I also predicted but was hoping to avoid.
I'm being careful. I'm spending my time in chairs, not beds. I'm making sure I stay in sunlit rooms (I have been out of natural sunlight during the day for almost five years)
Still, it's scary not to have any energy, and terrifying not to be able to focus right now. But I counsel others to be patient with themselves, I need to be realistic as well.
I'm just not sure what realistic expectations are - I am coming to terms with the many, many compromises I made where I was last, and I know I need to do the mental accounting before I find the next job with the compromises that will need to be made there. Wherever there is.
Whatever there does.
So I have read a book or two, about magicians and what happens to you when you grow up. And I have watched a movie or two, about what you need to do when you have to react to the circumstances instead of your plan. And I caught up on the full run of Joss Whedon's Dollhouse, - which is about identity and what happens when you think you are doing something for the right reasons, or neutral ones and how many ways you can be wrong.
These were the books. They were important last week. I don't know if they'll be important forever:
This is a mix of journal, photography and continuing stories. It is what happens when Van Winkle Wakes Up and has to relearn the way around.
Continuing stories are linked together if you'd like to avoid the journal parts. Stories are listed with the most recent entry at the top when you click the link. If you'd like to read it in order, please start at the bottom and read up.
Tiny Alien - a finished story - starts with a "Table of Contents" link so you can read it in order.