Every time I look around . . .
Well actually, it seems my last post was the 100th post. That's fitting somehow.
It also reminds me that I promised the blog the rest of The Taunting 09, which I will do - I promise - later this week because I need deadlines, no matter what else happens. Deadlines keep me safe.
But the real purpose of the blog was so that when I went to ground, I would still be communicating somehow. And I haven't been, which means it's important to make sure to post.
I've been anticipating these last 12 days for some time. Preparing for them, analyzing my possible responses.
I predicted that I would most likely be kind of shell shocked - not by circumstances, but sheer physicality. You can't keep going like I was without a cost. There was a cost.
I had scheduled it even - I told everyone that I would most likely need a week just to recover from the half decade before. I was sort of immobile last week, and very busy. I knew that I would be. I budgeted a week, but I was still upset with myself for that level of inertia, it feels like a lack of discipline.
I am mad at myself for being right. How annoying is that?
But this is the week that I expected to start the rebuilding - and of course I am now sick - which I also predicted but was hoping to avoid.
I'm being careful. I'm spending my time in chairs, not beds. I'm making sure I stay in sunlit rooms (I have been out of natural sunlight during the day for almost five years)
Still, it's scary not to have any energy, and terrifying not to be able to focus right now. But I counsel others to be patient with themselves, I need to be realistic as well.
I'm just not sure what realistic expectations are - I am coming to terms with the many, many compromises I made where I was last, and I know I need to do the mental accounting before I find the next job with the compromises that will need to be made there. Wherever there is.
Whatever there does.
So I have read a book or two, about magicians and what happens to you when you grow up. And I have watched a movie or two, about what you need to do when you have to react to the circumstances instead of your plan. And I caught up on the full run of Joss Whedon's Dollhouse, - which is about identity and what happens when you think you are doing something for the right reasons, or neutral ones and how many ways you can be wrong.
These were the books. They were important last week. I don't know if they'll be important forever:
The movies were Sherlock Holmes, Princess and the Frog, and Avatar.
I helped with costuming for the show I'm choosing not to be in.
I went to a Steampunk gathering called Clockwork and inspired a song called "Hello to Whiskey"
I worried over one of my children.
I called in to help the office I have left behind, one last time.
I filled out forms, paid bills, calculated costs, cooked, posted on the Embarrassed Embassy Forum.
But the things I haven't done are weighing heavier. I am very much feeling the effects of gravity.
I'm not sure what I should expect from myself. I am also sure that I am quite annoyed with gravity.
And the weather- which is just as useless a thing to be angry at as gravity.
And I'm not really fond of microbes that cause ear infections.
So I'm here and it seems, slightly broken, but probably still good.