Quick Admission of Guilt

Today is the first time I have ever, ever actually asked for an accommodation based on my disability on a test. Ever. In over 25 years. I have always found other ways to handle it.

My teacher, who suggested it originally listened to my request and said "How do you feel about this?"

I feel like it sucks. Like I have to admit that I can't do it. Like it's a completely different kind of failure, like I'm damaged and stupid.

I just told her it sucks.

However, she told me, it's reasonable, it's appropriately thought out and the test accomodation will simply emulate how I would do the task in the real world. And then she called me out on my harsh language discussing it and my body language. She wanted to know why I was being so hard on myself.

Why were we having the conversation this way? Because I actually create accommodations in educational and professional life, I knew everything she was saying, because I have told it to other people. She has a family member on with something similar so hearing me articulate it at my advanced age and full knowledge was significant to her. She could see what it felt like on the inside.

It feels like it sucks.

So those of you out there who have children who don't self advocate - especially the "gifted LD's" that are usually just ID'd and left to swim alone - I figured I would share that even with years in the field it took everything I had to admit that I shouldn't at least try to make myself sick and pass the midterm without the accommodation for a class I am taking for myself, that won't transfer directly to my degree.

And those of you who are trying to get by without activating your accommodations when you need them, know that it doesn't get any easier. But I do know that it's equally self destructive not to use them - they're not cheating - they get you to the same starting gate as the people who don't have a disability.

However, I understand why it still feels like cheating - especially when the abled tell you it's an unfair advantage.

So I did it. It hurt, but at least I'm aware it should be done.

You should do it, even if it hurts - the point of taking classes is to learn and use the material - it matters that you come out of the class with that knowledge - not how you got it compared to everyone else.

I don't have the answer on how to not feel like some sort of damaged goods when you do it though. I'll let you all know if I figure it out.

Now I shall cap off my day of dipping my toe in self-loathing instead of being proud of myself for making a practical mature decision, by watching That Scottish Play.

Like a Shakespearean Tragedy about self-loathing will help . . . . I guess we'll see if catharsis really is a valid theory.