Scary Random Thoughts

When I say to someone "I am scared" or "This is scary", I am not looking to be reassured that "no it's not really that scary."

Maybe it's not for someone else, but the scary is waiting there for me. It's mine.

I am not saying it to attract attention in a dramatic way (Quick! We must come to her rescue for she is scared!) I would simply ask for help.

I am not proud that way.

I am saying it to give it voice. The scariness. Because if I bother to say it out loud, you know that I am going to do the scary thing, or be in the scary place anyway.

If you know me, you know that I would never say anything if I weren't going to do it.

So when I say "I'm scared."

I mean "Please cover my back, I'm going in anyway"

And if what I'm scared of doesn't seem that scary to you, well that's OK, but I want you to know that it's not effortless, this going in, even if you think it looks easy for me. Even if you think it would be easy for you.

That's the danger of the scariness really, it's mostly invisible.

So when I say "I'm scared." I'm really just trying to make sure that the invisibility doesn't swallow me whole and have me disappear too.

And if I do disappear, I will at least have announced that it was not my intention to do so.

I'm going in.